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He's cranky.  He's lived on the Lake since Prohibition.   He doesn't like newcomers.  Just ask him.

 

A note to my readers.  Listen whimps.  I have been on this lake a lot longer than any of you.  Therefore, I rightfully belong here and you don't.  So all you candy a##'# with fancy smancy graphics on the side of your hulls, listen up.  I lost my boat in a poker game to one of the jerks at NHboat.com, and to get it back, I agreed to answer your questions and post them on this page.  So go ahead.  Ask away.  Email me, attention: Old Man.


Click here to send him an email

Ice out prediction:  May 1.  You can bet your boat on it. 

 

Hey Old Man:

I am color blind, primarily for green second for red's. This makes it really tough to recognize navigation markers on the lake. Why don't they make the markers in a system, independently of color? After all, after night fall, the color is virtually gone.
Night Owl

Night Owl, I think you should start associating yourself with a different species of the animal kingdom.  A bat for instance, as in "Blind as a Bat".   You should not be afraid to use donkey, as in "jackass", because you have not noticed a key difference between the red and black markers on the lake.  The red markers have a white stripe across the middle of the buoy.  (To see a picture click here: http://www.nhboat.com/Classified/sally8.jpg.)    One thing I will say in your defense, the navigational system for Lakes is confusing and imperfect.  And it is not  foolproof, especially at night.  Why don't you make yourself busy like a beaver and come up with a better system.

Old Man

Young fella,

First of all, I am older than you. You candy ass, pampered rich kids in their 70's really piss me off. Wait til you are 90 and your poop looks like burned twigs. When everyday you just wish a piano would fall out of a 10 story building and crush you like a Junebug. I lived through Prohibition, buddy, everything after that was a cake walk! Anywho, earlier in your career, you posted a list of boating songs. Brandy is the best boating song, but it is missing something. Fighting! It has booze and women, but where are the fist-a-cuffs?  Now, Copa Cabana by Barry Manilow, that song captures the essence of living. Lola, Tony and Rico did have their problems mind you, but it all worked itself out in the end. Tony- dead, he asked for it and he got it.  Rico- Blew town when Lola's mileage got too high. Lola- drank herself half blind. I love each one of them like my own children. Here are boating songs you missed, chumhole:

Rock the Boat - Marc Edmonds
Banana Boat Song - Harry Belafonte
Theme from the Love Boat
Carribean Queen- Billy Ocean
The Ocean- Led Zeppelin
Walk on the Ocean- Toad the Wet Sprocket
Somewhere Beyond the Sea- Bobby Darin
Sloop John B - Beach Boys

I could go on and on. I don't have a question for you. I'm too old and I know everything I want to know already.
xxoo, OTD (Older than Dirt)

OTD,
The Copa Cabana? 
If this site was called www.drinking-fighting-scoringsomeotherdudesgirl.com it might be appropriate to list it as one of the greatest songs of all time.  But it's not.  Boating has nothing to do with any of this, except drinking.  Therefore, let's stay on our medication, and stay on the subject. 

Old Man  

Hey old man. I'm looking to buy a cruiser my budget is in the 15 to 20 grand range. Any suggestions?  I looked at a 80 Chris Craft 29 footer strait inboard and a 28 foot 85 Bayliner I/O.  What should I be looking for mechanically and hull wise? 

Peace, Skip

Skip, youíre like horse manure.  Youíre all over the road.  These boats are so different (even though they are both cruisers under 20 grand), that they are not even in the same class.  Get focused, Skip.  If you are looking for an older classic cruiser you should be looking at the Chris Craft.  The Chris Craft is a well built boat, but it is old and will need maintenance to keep you on the water.  But most of the maintenance will be things that will justifiably wear over time.  If you like to tinker with things the Chris Craft will be a labor of love.   The Bayliner on the other hand may be a labor of hate.  The Bayliner is a lot of boat for the money, but to give you so much for such a small price, they tend to cut corners.  The Bayliner will break also, but probably before its time.  Iíll put it in terms of cars: you are looking at a Ď68 Cadillac, versus a í92 Ford Escort Wagon.  Decide what you want, then quit bothering everyone and buy it.  One easier way to pick between the two: Get a running start and ram your head into both hull sides.  Your head will probably go through one of these boats.  Buy the other one. 

Old Man

Hi Old Man,

OK, I'll admit it... if my wife and I take the plunge, we WILL be "candy a##'#" newcomers to boating. But we don't want to eye-pollute your lakes and rivers with "fancy smancy graphics on the side of our hulls," so we're not COMPLETELY objectionable (perhaps).  Instead of buying a cabin deep in the woods and staying out of everyone's hair, we've started to think about buying a small, used houseboat for slowly cruising NH's lakes and rivers. Our budget isn't fancy-smancy either. We're thinking about a 35 footer (or so) from the '70s or '80s. Do any towns on NH's lakes, coast, or inland waterways welcome houseboaters... and provide a good opportunity to see, rent, and eventually buy a used one? Also, if you were (or are) a houseboater, which of NH's waters would be your favorite haunts?

Hey... Hope you get YOUR boat back, man!

Dave and Kate

Dave and Kate,
Thank you so much for your good wishes concerning the return of my boat.  Do you know the only situation that I would not want my boat back?  If it looked like a floating member of a Belmont trailer park.  To be more specific, a houseboat.  Let's face it, as practical as a houseboat seems, they are ugly, slow, non-seaworthy, a bitch to dock, and usually of sub-par construction.  I have to admit though, there was a time when I almost bought one myself.  The lure of all the usable space was very attractive.  Then I sobered from my drinking binge....  
You don't see many Houseboats in New Hampshire for the reasons listed above.  People in California and Arizona are queer for them, but they never caught on in the East.  Why?  People on the West Coast are stupid.  Also, Westerners can live in them year round, so livability takes precedence over recreation....  I do see a few around Winnipesaukee (Mt. View Yacht Club, The Channel).  If livability at a reasonable cost is what your after, a house boat might make you very happy.  And don't worry about cranky old men who think there ugly. Most boaters are fascinated with houseboats... You may also want to consider an older fiberglass yacht.  There are plenty of good clean fresh-water beauties right here on Winnipesaukee (Caver Aft-Cabins, Chris Craft Corinthians).... Favorite Houseboat Haunt?  Anywhere but Winnipesaukee.  

Old Man

Dear Old Fart,

I own a crappy little clambucket of a 22 foot Blue Fin which runs great when it is on the trailer. When I put it in the water and stand in it, I look like a really fat guy riding a moped. My wife had a baby recently, and I had the clambucket tied to a mooring at the time. I was excited to find at the hospital that my wife had a girl! Minutes later, the phone rings. I thought the harbor master was calling me to congratulate me on my new baby, but he was actually calling to congratulate me for turning my Boat into a submarine with a screen door. My boat sank while my wife gave birth. My boat looks much better on the floor of the ocean than it ever did on the surface. Instead of hauling the boat out, I bought some scuba gear and now enjoy afternoons with the rest of the bottom feeders on my clambucket, which I now call "The Lost City of Atlantis". 

My question for you is, when is the last time you got any action? Sincerely,

King Netpoon

King,   If I could get any action, do you think I would waste my time listening to you run your mouth about nothing? 

Old man

 

Old Man -

I boat in San Francisco and leave my Regal in all year long without pulling it out for anything other than service issues. Since it's a Regal, I've only needed to pull it once in two years, but I've noticed that the top end has dropped off by about 25 mph. I've also noticed that there appears to be some sort of green stuff on the side of the boat below the waterline.  Do these have anything in common? I also run the outdrives into the sludge at low tide, and use the engine to throttle up and power through the mud.  Is this bad? Sometimes I feel thuds when I do it, but I usually make it  out. Also, do you know anyone who'd like to buy my boat? More  importantly, do you know anyone who's seen my boat? It's not in my slip right now. 

Thanks for your help, Peter.

 

Peter,
First of all, your too old to have your  mama clean your bottom, so your going to have to do it yourself.  Pull the boat, get the bottom cleaned, and then paint the bottom.  Then pull it at least once a year and get it cleaned.   That's part of the reason your boat has slowed down.  But based on the rest of your boating habits, I'm sure it's not the only one.   
The only other way I think I can help you, is to advise you not to look for your boat.  Contact the insurance company quick before they find it, and get a settlement.  If you find it, selling it is a good idea for you, a bad idea for the rest of the boat buying crowd.  The rest of you remember, even well respected brands that are fairly new could use a survey before the deal is finalized.  
Old Man

Old Man,

In preparation for the new boating season I want to make a mixed CD so I can really rock out with my friends.  Can you recommend some boss boating tunes to get us into the spirit of the season.  Thanks Old-Dude, Paul

Paul,

Mixed CD?  Is that like Chex mix?    My grand-niece seems to think you want music for your boat.  I used to bring a Ukulele out in my boat and sing to my girl.   Make-out city.  You sound too stupid to play a musical instrument.  Therefore, I will tell you my top five  boating songs I recommend to young punks with no talent.  

*Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald---Gordon Lightfoot.  Reminds all those salty dogs that you can get your butt kicked on a lake too.

*Brandy--Looking Glass.  Makes the point clear to your girl: You like her, but not as much as your boat.

Ocean Rain---Echo and the Bunnymen.  Song: good.   Name of the band: Stupid,  

I'm Your Captain--Grand Funk Railroad, Good Ocean sound effects, seagulls and all.

Row, Row, Row, Your Boat--The Barnacle Boys.   Before your time, but we used to cut a rug to this little number.

 

Worst Boating song:  Come Sail Away--Styx.  This band should have stuck to songs about robots with feelings.

Old Man

 

Old Man, 

I just bought a new boat from this dealer in Ohio.  Saved a few bucks by shopping hard.  Pretty cool huh?

Dave

 

So you saved a couple of percentage points and think your pretty smart, huh?  I don't know about you, but I boat for enjoyment.  And when I pay money for enjoyment, I don't like things to go wrong.  Be it vacationing, eating out, skiing, or boating, I don't get cheap and run the risk of fouling up my leisure time. 

Service is paramount with boats.  One thing everyone learns about boats, be it new or used, they always need fixing.  And when something goes wrong,  I want my dealer to be there to get me back on the water as soon as possible.  I've seen a lot of cheapskates stranded on the dock because they didn't have a dealer to service their boat.  

This isn't the car business where you can buy it anywhere and still get in line for service.  The boat season here is short, and these Marinas are seasonal, so come summer, service is a commodity.  These dealers owe their customers prompt service.  If you bought a boat from a local dealer, and the dealer serviced the guy who bought in  Mississippi  before you, would you be ticked?  Darn straight you would, and rightfully so.

When I buy a boat I buy it local.  I get it delivered here, and get it checked out before I take delivery, right here, hassle free.  I develop a relationship with the marina.  I get introduced to the service manager.  This way I know that if things do go wrong, I have someone to turn to.   I am recognized as a valued customer.  And when I want something from them, I'm put at the top of the list.

I sincerely hope you don't end up waiting for service while the rest of us are out boating, but sometimes the only way to learn anything is the hard way.  Hopefully, the dealer from Ohio will be there for you.

Old Man